Friendships Lost After I Became "Mom"

Being a mother for almost four years teaches you a lot.

You learn the true meaning of life.

There is an overwhelming force that drives you to keep your child(ren) safe.

Unconditional love is no longer something you imagine, but something that you can feel.

You realize that priorities change. Life rearranges. The world no longer revolves around you.

The true meaning of friendship becomes apparent. Those without children can never understand what a parent feels.

Relationships change. Diminish. Disappear. It hurts - at first.

Then you realize. They aren't true friends if they let your bundle of joy get in between the two of you.

I remember the friends I had. The relationship that I lost. I was 19 when I had Konnor. Barely out of school. At first, I could pawn him off on my mom to watch while I had fun from time to time. Mostly at her house, while Konnor slept in my room.

Looking back, I sucked at being a mom. I thought I was hot shit, when in reality, there was nothing hot about my relationship with my son. Sure, he knew who his mommy was, and he loved everything about me, but I wasn't the best.

In almost four years, I have come so far. Honestly, I can say that I am proud of who I am. The mother I am. A woman. I have grown up.

Sometimes I find myself reminiscing about the times I could party, spend all my money on myself, and quite frankly, not give a shit. I have driven under the influence, spent most my money on booze, and am a recovering nicotine addict. Sadly enough, some of the people who I used to hang out with still do all these things, and some do more.

Which happened, I couldn't tell you, because it still stings when I think about the friendships I lost. Was it me pushing them away or was it the other way around? Looking out for the best interest of my baby, I started to stray away from those that were negative influences.

Supposing it was mutual, why? Apparently, our friendship wasn't strong enough to overcome the most adorable baby ever. Because I was no longer able to party when I wanted, hang out when I wanted, or spend lots of money on things that I didn't need, they split. Just like that, they dropped me.

Some friends, huh?

Since then, the only new friends I have made have been moms. The people who get me. Who understand where I am coming from, and respect the fact that I am unable to drop my kids off somewhere at the flick of a finger or leave them with an imaginary babysitter to go out to the bar on a Saturday night. They also respect the fact that I don't use my boyfriend as a live-in babysitter.

Having children has tough me a lot about my life. But my children have also helped me cut out a lot of people in my life that never really mattered.


Stay tuned, Part 2 of this is coming up.......

Oregon, My Love....

There are many things in my life that I am proud of. Proud that I have the ability and mental capacity to raise two children: an infant and a toddler. Proud that I have a steady job that pays well (even if I don't always love it). Proud that there is a roof over my head, clothes on mine and my children's backs and food in our tummies.

I am also proud of where I live.

I was born in Portland, Oregon.

I was raised in Portland, Oregon.

My mom was born and raised in Portland, Oregon.

Oregon is my home. My place. Oregon is me. I am Oregon.

I am an Oregonian.

Growing up, I loved all the trees and the smell of freshly cut grass and birds chirping in the spring. To be honest, I have taken for granted all of those things. All my life I figured that this was normal for the entire world, when it clearly is not. Not all of the cities in the world have as many trees as we do. There isn't always grass to cut.

As my children grow and learn, I want them to appreciate the finer things this state has to offer. Beach trips are frequent, and while the water isn't as warm as Cali or Florida, the sweet simplicity of the waves crashing are enough to appreciate.

We have hippies and tree huggers and more bicycles then you can imagine. In fact, I think with all the new laws that have been put into effect over the years, bicyclists have more rights on the road than cars do.

Downtown is gorgeous, from a distance.  Some say downtown in general is beauty, but there is so much sadness walking down the streets, seeing those with no homes huddled under the stoops of buildings for warmth.  I, personally, don't frequent downtown for that reason.

No state is perfect. Oregon has her fair share of flaws. There are too many people without homes, and too many addicted to drugs. Oregon has an epidemic meth problem, with epidemic consequences. The highways haven't been expanded since I can remember, but the growth of Oregon is far beyond my stretch of mind. Soon, we may be faced with the same traffic problems like that of Los Angeles, Ca. (ok that may be a far-fetched statement, but you get the picture).

Despite all of the flaws, Oregon is amazing. No other word, really. This is my state, and I love it!

(Not to mention in Oregon people pump your gas for you and there is no sales tax!)

Look What She Does Now!!!

Seriously, I am not ready for my baby to be doing all these new things!! Crawling, sitting herself up, saying da-da (which I still haven't caught on camera) and now playing peek-a-boo with me!!

See for yourself.  Gah!!!

Yes, that is my very high-pitched voice.  Lol.  It isn't normally that bad, but you know.. Mommy thing, right???

Prepping For Relatives and Mobile Babies....

Ariana will meet her grandma for the first time in about four days.

Visiting from West Virginia, Justin's mom flies in on Thursday, February 4th, 2010.  She will stay with us until her flight leaves on Sunday.

The day she flies in Ariana will be 8 months old.  Where has the time gone?!?!  We are three quarters of the way to her first birthday.  Wowzers.

So this week I have to clean.  I don't just mean pick up the living room and kitchen and dining room.  We are talking a full, top to bottom, deep clean of my house.  The thought makes me sick to my stomach.  Having a little 2 bedroom apartment doesn't always mean just a little bit to clean.

Also on the agenda, while we are at it, is baby-proofing.  Don't get me wrong, I have been baby-proofing the house, but this will be an all out baby-proofing. 

That leads me to a question (or four).... How do you prep for visits from the in-laws?  What should I expect?  Oh my gosh, I have never done this before! YIKES!

Also, so I don't miss anything, give me a rundown of how you baby-proofed the house when your little ones decided to become mobile.  As much as I wish she wouldn't do this just yet, here we are.  Ariana is crawling and apparently climbing too!! HELP!!!!!!

Bad Mommy Day!

Do you ever have those moments when you feel you just aren't cut out for parent hood?

I mean, I have two kids now.  I have been down the infant road.  This is the second journey, and all of a sudden, doubting myself is kicking in.

All these crazy outlandish things that my daughter has done to hurt herself only happens when I am alone.  With both kids.  After Ariana choked and we had to call 911, I was freaking out thinking that the children's hospital would call Child Protective Services on me for having objects small enough for her to swallow within her reach.  Thankfully, they didn't.

Today, everyone is having a nice little nap.  Sleeping peacefully.  Konnor in his bed, Ariana in her crib with me sleeping in my bed next to her.  Two hours worth of golden silence and pleasant dreams only to be ripped apart by a gigantic crash and an infant screaming at the top of her lungs.

I jumped out of bed and picked her up so fast I swear I didn't know what I was doing until we were both back in my bed.  Examining her for bumps, protruding bones, and blood, I came to the conclusion that there was no need to call 911 just yet.

How she fell out of her crib is almost a mystery, but maybe more so to my "i-can't-believe-she's-growing-so-fast" side as opposed to an outsider's view.  She gets on her hands and knees, she sits up, she crawls, and I suppose this was her showing me that she can, indeed, pull her self up on objects.  From what I can figure, she just pulled herself right up and over she went, which is surely a red flag. 

Time for mommy to lower the crib mattress to the next level.

Back to my original thought, however; this all makes me wonder if I am cut out for this baby thing.  I am seriously questioning my parental skills and instincts in which are used and needed to raise a child.  And, for that matter, there should be absolutely no need to question such skills, since they started maturing at the age of............ Oh when was my sister born?  Tenish. 

Does anyone else have these days where they feel nothing has been or can go right?  I am at a loss with myself, and while I'm sure I'm just having a bad day, this is sort of bothering me. 

Had I been awake, this couldn't have happened.  If I had lowered the crib when she started crawling, she wouldn't have fallen out.  What if she broke her neck?? What would I have told Justin and my family?!?!

Time to go lower the crib.  Like, yes, RIGHT NOW!!!

Cards For Kayla

I remember growing up with my best friend, Becky.  In the back of my mind, we knew she would never grow old.  Never experience all of the wonderful things life had to offer.  I knew one day I would have to miss her like crazy. 

At the age of 10, all of these realizations came crashing down.  I lost her. 
Becky passed away June 28th, 1997 to Cystic Fibrosis. 

Thank you, Becky. For being there to guide me through all of life's challenges. I can feel you watching over me when I feel like this world is too much for me. You guide me. You lift me up when I'm feeling down. You are everything a best friend should ever be. Even if you aren't physically here on this earth with me.

She taught me to live life.  That good things come in small packages.  That life isn't always fair, but everything happens for a reason.

I met Kristin when we were both pregnant with our daughters on a mommy board on the internet almsot a year ago.  Later finding out we lived in the same city(ish), we cliqued.  Talked about our pregnancies, our babies, our lives.  Eventually, we will meet.

When I found out about her BFF, Sandra, and the struggles she was facing, I felt helpless.  Her young daughter, Kayla, has Leukemia.  She was diagnosed in December of 2008 and has been fighting since.  Recently, she has been hospitalized again. 

Kayla is six.  She is a fighter.  When I read about her, it's like reliving the battle with my best friend so many years ago.  Different battles, but much the same.

So what do I do to help?  She lives a state away, so I am limited.  Praying is a powerful thing, but personally, that doesn't satisfy me.  What I want to do is take the sickness from Kayla and make her better!  Let her live the life the a normal little girl should live.  Without her knowing, Kayla has a special place in my heart.  Right next to me inner child.

Well, practically, I am unable to take it all away and make her better.  As much as I wish I could, I can't.  So when I read Kristin's post, Cards For Cancer - Kayla, I knew it was something I could do.  Such a simple gesture to make the day of a child.  You better believe I have a card, addressed, labeled, and stamped.  All I need is to put that card in the mail!!

Want to send Kayla a card?  She would be thrilled!!!

Cards may be mailed to:

Kayla Gronley
P.O. Box 5634
Blue Jay, Ca 92317

To Contact Sandra (her mom) by email ~ sanderella192003{at}yahoo{dot}com


Thank you, Kristin, for bringing awareness and starting (you started it, right?) this awesome idea!!!

ETA::: you can also visit here for more information.

Meet My Other Half...

Everyone, meet Justin.

Justin is my boyfriend. Yes, boyfriend. (no he doesn't wear these glasses all the time.  they are mine) We are not married.  Marriage is but a piece of paper.  What he is the father of my daughter. The love of my life. 

I don't give him enough credit. When I talk about him on my Facebook or on my Twitter, it's generally when I'm angry. Or hurt. Or sad. Really, no one gets to hear about how wonderful Justin is.

He is my other half. The person I was meant to be with. Through thick and thin, we were meant to be. He is the one.

Though I have had reservations in the past, questions in my mind, those no longer exist. We have had good times, bad times, and times where we were on level ground. Despite all the times we have had, he has been there. When I was unable to work while pregnant with Ariana, he stayed. When he was laid off and looking for a job, I stayed. Through my depression this last holiday season, he was there. Holding my hand. And while he never said it, he was cheering me on, telling me it would all be okay.

Most don't know our story. When we first met, it was online. *gasp* I know. Say what you will, but this seems more and more common as time goes on. Love has no boundaries and sure doesn't grasp the concept of distance. So, while I was here in Oregon living my life, he was in West Virginia living his.

At first when we talked, it was casual. That time in my life was full of chaos and mayhem, and an ear was all he could offer me. I took it. I told him about life and the choices I was making and while he was mostly amused, you could also tell there was a bit of concern.

We stopped talking for years. Probably 5 or 6 to say the least. We both lived our different lives, on different sides of the United States. It wasn't until I logged into Yahoo! on my cell phone that we reconnected. He IM'ed me and after a few hours of IMing him while at work, we exchanged numbers.

From there IMing turned to text and text turned to a phone call. The phone call. All night long (and I mean 9pm to 6am) we talked on the phone about everything. You name it, we talked about it. Even before I knew what was happening, we were falling.

Most people are cautious about love. Often holding back, they miss out on some of life's greatest opportunities. Just getting out of my relationship with my son's father, I was a little hesitant. But Justin and I were so right for each other.

Regardless of the distance, we made things work. From playing silly Yahoo! games on the internet, to simultaneously watching The Notebook while on the phone, we were a unique pair. I would leave cute messages on his MySpace, and he would send sweet text messages.

To make this long, adorable story short, not three months after we had started talking, and after a mini vacation to the east coast to visit him, he decided to move out to Oregon so we could be together. I took a flight to Illinois where he met me, and we drove the country together, through torrential downpours in one state, to high winds and country roads in another.

February 7th, 2010 marks two years since we made ourselves official. February 1st marks two years since we reunited and started talking again. Today we have a beautiful daughter to share our journey in life, and are closer than ever. Konnor and Justin adore each other, almost as much as Ariana and Justin do.

He picks up the kids everyday after work. Gets up with Ariana some nights when she doesn't sleep through. He is a good sport about my crazy ideas and even though he is a picky eater, he will try new things that I cook.  Shopping isn't one of his favorite things to do, but he will do it.  We are a team.

I love his smile.  His sense of humor.  The way he dresses.  His eyes.  When he is happy, mad, sad, upset, or being a pain in my ass, I still love him. 

Despite all of my mood swings and questions with our relationship, he is here. Always. Hopefully forever.

I love him. With every part of me that is capable of love.  Our journey in life thus far has tested us in so many way, and we have made it out on top.

Dancing Baby - Part 2

Just because I think she is so damn cute when she dances, here is another installment of MY dancing baby.

The Dancing Baby!!

Ariana has learned something new.... Dancing... Or that's what I call it anyways.  It could be her rocking back and forth in an attempt to move where she wants to go.  However, when it is in conjuction with music, all bets are off - she dances.  See for yourself

Las Fotos Meme... Sibling Love

This blog challenge is brought to you from Kristin.  Here is how it works:

Want something to do over the weekend? I’d like to introduce you to LAS FOTOS a new photography blog meme here at Our Ordinary Life. Every week bloggers will be asked to post a picture and/or story about the week. Or month, year. Throughout the year I will add in special contests and prizes for bloggers who participate. Have fun with it!

I know my awesome followers want to try this out!! I am going to take on this project in addition to my daily photography challenge on my other blog, JAKA365.  Between this challenge and my Project365 challenge, I am going to be living, breathing, loving photography.  :)



For this challenge:  Sibling Love

I talk so much about Konnor and Ariana and the bond that they are sharing, but in recent days it has blossomed into the most amazing thing I have ever seen.

Today, for nap, Konnor wanted to "take a nap with baby sister."  I politely told him he couldn't sleep in her crib to which he cried for a minute, before falling asleep in his own bed.

He is constantly playing with her.  Between sharing his toys and hers, they are constantly occupied and together.  They make my heart melt and my knees weak.  The cutest little duo, they played Peek-a-boo last night for a good 20 minutes.  Here they are watching cartoons together after bath time. :o)

Potty Breaks? Not For This Mommy...

It has become painfully clear that Mommy is not aloud to go potty. 

Leave the kids alone for 30 seconds and something is bound to happen.  Ariana eats an apple or rolls under the coffee table.  This kid is so mobile, and Konnor finds more and more ways to get them into trouble. 

I am going to have my hands full, aren't I?

He's Growing Up...

I love that Konnor is at the age that he can do more. No longer are we bound to the park (which is still fun) or playing around the house. We can broaden our horizons and do more fun and extravagant things.

Watching him at Chuck E Cheese on Sunday night made me realize something. My baby is growing up! As awesome as this is, it is sad all the same. I remember the little tiny baby that needed mommy for everything. The mini toddler that started to be independent but still held mommy's hand.

Now he is a big toddler. In preschool. Getting to the age where he can take on sports. Interacting with kids he doesn't know, and, as I saw at CEC, learning that money buys fun. Haha! He kept coming over for "monies" so he could play the ski ball game. At one point, I decided that it was probably a good idea to check on him, to which I found him ON the ski ball game. Oye!

His little buddy, Caleb, and his mom went with us as well. We figured the kids would play with each other, but that couldn't have been further from the truth. Caleb is a year younger than Konnor, so he doesn't get the games quite yet. He more so wanted to play on the structure than play the games. He did try, however.

They were cute. It was fun. Konnor definitely was worn out by the time we went home. It all just makes me realize that he is growing up and getting bigger. While I don't enjoy the thought of him getting older, because I love my little bug the way he is, time, and life, go on. I have no choice but to go with the flow, so flow I go!

Ariana's Scary ER Story...

"Mommy, baby sister is throwing up."

That's how it all started.  Normally, this wouldn't cause much concern, since Ariana sometimes does throw up after eating.  Rarely, but it happens.  This time, however, was different, because she hadn't eaten in a couple hours. 

I walked over and it looked like she was kind of choking but she was definitely throwing up.  Thinking maybe her tummy was upset or she was sick, I sat on the floor, legs extended, and put her over them.  Patting her back, I got her to throw up a little more and then she seemed okay.

About that time, and great timing it was, my friend Kelly showed up with her little boy.  She sat on the couch, a couple feet from me when Ariana started to choke and throw up again.  I put her back over my legs and patted her back.  Gasping for air, she rolled herself over and was looking at me with this helpless little look. 

The time frames are so off, I'm sure.  It felt like this whole thing took hours when really it was mere minutes. 

She stopped gasping for air and started choking again.  Kind of throwing up.  But most definitely gagging.  She took one deep breath and that was it.  Something was stuck, because her face started turning purple as she started struggling to breath, and her lips turned blue.

I handed her to Kelly and dialed 9-1-1.  The scariest thing a mother has to do, and the feeling of helplessness was overwhelming for me.  Had Kelly not been there, I guarantee I would have been in hysterics.  She held Ariana while I talked to the dispatcher, and within minutes (again, felt like hours) paramedics were here.

By the time they got here, Ariana had stopped choking.  Whatever was blocking her airway either went down or came up.  We aren't sure.  Her breathing wasn't normal, but by the time we got to the children's hospital, it was.  I did opt to have the paramedics take us in the ambulance, only because I didn't want to run the risk of her choking again in the backseat of my car on the freeway.  No chances.  No way!

X-rays showed nothing.  Doctor's were pleased with her color and breathing when she arrived.  So we were told to watch her breathing for anything out of the normal, keep an eye out for a fever or other sign of infection, and check out any poopie diapers for the foreign object.

They did also say it could have been that she was choking on her vomit, which I suppose is possible.  Do I find that a likely cause for what terrified me so? No.  That doesn't seem accurate.  Konnor was playing with her about 10 minutes before it all happened, and I wonder if he brought one of his small toys to share with his baby sister.

So we are watching.  Waiting.  Hoping to find something in her stools to give answers to what caused such a heart-wrenching catastrophe.  I honestly believed that they were going to need a second ambulance for the heart attack I was about to have. 

Children are amazing.  I love mine to pieces.  You better believe after all has been said and done, there will be a more careful eye from this mommy.

Siblings Much??

What do you guys think?  Do they look alike?

Besides my daughter's BUG EYES in this picture, I think the two of them look similar.  Both of my kiddos have more of their father's qualities (each having a different dad) but both have a Mommy resemblence that they share.  Or at least I like to think so. :o)

My Mommy....

Is following my blog now....

HIIIIII MOM!!!!!!

That is me and my momma on my 21st birthday

Happy New Year!!! 2010

Last night we put a close to another year. For me it was a year full of ups and downs that have taught me so much.

Everything happens for a reason.

Some things to reflect on....

 

1. Where were you ten years ago?

At the age of 12, almost 13, i was experiencing the joys of my period for the first time ever. I was also babysitting for a house party. There were around 10 kids and i made $40.

2. What have you accomplished in the last 10 years?

Wow, I would have to say quite a bit. I mean, I have managed to pop out two kids, break my mother's heart and mend it again, have my heart broken upteen times, and come out on top, work in a place that i'm not always happy at (but it pays the bills), live on my own, and learn some life lessons i'm not soon to forget.

 

Overall, the last ten years have really changed me. I guess at such a young age, that really is inevitable. Maybe in 40 years, my decades will be a little less adventerous, and my stories not quite so grand, but so long as i have my children (and wrinkles forbid grandchildren), I will remain happy. There is so much to come in the next decade and the one after that, that looking on the past is so short compared to the future.

 

3. The last year.... what are the highlights?

Two things come to mind here. Konnor starting preschool and Ariana's birth. Such huge milestones in my life, and great accomplishments. My kids are my world, and there is nothing I enjoy more than watching them grow, explore, and the bond they have formed and continue to form with each other.
 
 
4.  What is(are) your New Year's Resolution?

• lose this baby weight!
• remove the people who don't feel as if I matter in their lives from mine.
• make 2010 the year to remember!!

I have hopes.  I have dreams.  I have plans. 

Merry Christmas!!

After taking a couple weeks from blogging, I figured that I would write up a couple of posts.

My "enter" key is apparently not wanting to work, so this is aggravating. LOL.

Christmas was amazingly fun!  Ariana's first Christmas, and she really didn't give a crap about much of anything except for eating the wrapping paper.  Thankfully, her brother was there to open ALL of her presents, and even play with them for her, so the elves at the North Pole didn't slave away for nothing.

Nothing too exciting or fantastic, but here are some of the photos from our Christmases.  Christmas Day we went to my mom's and then on the Sunday following was the one at our house (because Justin worked Christmas day).

Holiday Traditions...

Holiday traditions are something I believe every family has. From what you eat to opening a Christmas present before you go to bed on Christmas eve, there is something that is done every year.

Growing up, I remember eating fondue and bread on Christmas eve. Ham for Christmas dinner, and being able to open our stocking before everyone else got out of bed. My mom would buy each of her children a Christmas ornament to put on the tree every year, and years later, we still put those ornaments up.

When Konnor was born, I wasn't sure what tradition I was going to start. Wanting something that could be a tradition forever, I pondered the thought of ornaments. Nah, that had been done. Specific foods? Not possible since my grandma still insisted on us being at home for dinner.

It didn't occur to me when I bought Konnor Christmas-themed pajamas in 2006 that this would be my tradition from year to year. To be honest, 2007 came and went and I didn't realize then what I was really doing. Not until I went shopping for Christmas jammies in 2008 did I realize that there was a theme. A yearly routine that I had started. A tradition.

That was it. I adopted it. My tradition was now buying Christmas jammies that Konnor could wake up wearing on Christmas morning to open his presents. Something that could go on until he was older, seeing as there are jammies for all ages.

This year, I already have Ariana's Christmas jammies, and need to get Konnor's yet. This tradition is something that is unique. And totally me. While I can't find 2007's Christmas pictures, Konnor wore Disney's Cars themed Christmas jammies. They were his fav!!

What are your holiday traditions? I would love to hear them! I find it fascinating how everyone celebrates the holiday in their own special, unique ways. :)

From my family to yours: Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, and please be safe!!!

Wordless Wednesday.. Blast From the Past!!

 

How did we go from this to this???

Love you K-man!!

 

Find even more Wordless Wednesday fun at 5 Minutes for Mom, Extraordinary Mothers, HUB, and Momspective

Monday Mingle -- Farewell 2009!!!

Welcome to the final Monday Mingle of 2009 here on The JAKA Files!!  This was done in a rush as Ariana was fussy and ready for bed.  None the less, enjoy. 

Have a safe and happy holidays and a great New Year!!  I may throw together a video or two due to my sheer joy of doing my weekly mingles, but we shall see.  Lately, I have been busy girl with the approaching holidays, so no promises!

Last but not least, please visit 80 MPH Mom to see all the other minglers.

:o)